Don't people say funny things sometimes? I'm sure I have said my fair share of funny/offensive things. I try not to but sometimes I'm sure I do.
When we first started fostering children almost 7 years ago, I remember getting questions and comments all of a sudden. Here's a dialogue I remember very well.
I was shopping in Petsmart and had 3 yr old Michael and 3 yr old Jaden, who we'd only had for several weeks, with me. Newborn Aliyah was at home with Matt.
Stranger Lady: How old are they? (innocent right?)
Me: 3 (all of a sudden you see her looking intently since they look nothing alike)
Lady: Are they twins?
Me: No
Lady: How far apart are they?
Me: 20 days
(...crickets....)
(...and more crickets...) (Do I fill the space?)
Me: We're fostering
Lady: (with sudden understanding) Ohh! Well she must be yours because he looks nothing like you!
Me: (with a little too much exertion) No! He's mine!
Lady:...oh...
Okay, so this is a bad scenario all around. Luckily the 2 kids were so busy playing with each other they didn't hear (I don't think) or wouldn't have understood anything she was talking about. But I felt awful and realized right away that I needed a plan for all those questions. After that I learned to stop the conversations at "yes, they're all mine", smile and walk away. I never wanted a foster child to feel like they weren't mine.
This caused more exciting conversation when we had little Luis. By this time I felt fairly seasoned with the questions being 2 years into fostering. People would look at the kids (Luis was very Hispanic looking) and ask if they're all mine. I wondered what they must think of me since they all look so different but I stopped caring about that long ago. So when people asked this in front of Luis, I would respond with a confident "Yes". And then, 3 yr old little Luis would pop up with "I'm not yours!" Then turn to the stranger and say "my moms in jail". Well, can't say I didn't try.
Another conversation I remember very well. Michael was born in Utah while we were living in Texas. We jumped on a plane when his bmom's water broke and got to hold him that first night he was born. He was born on a Thursday, she placed him in our arms for forever on Monday. We had to stay in Utah for 10 days for legal reasons. When that time was up we boarded a plane to go home. We had a layover in New Mexico. While we were waiting this lady approached us and here's how it went.
Strange Lady (SL): Oh he's so little
Proud new parents: Yes
SL: Wow, you moms these days are like mother cats dragging your kittens all over the country to show them to family.
Proud new parents:(...Whu???...) We've just adopted him and we're taking him home.
SL: (with big smile and oohing and awing) Oh how sweet!
Yeah yeah
Well over the years I feel like I've heard it all.
~They must look like their dad
~Oh, the boys have your eyes and the girls have their dads eyes (really? have you met my husband?)
~He has beautiful eyes, (then they glance at Aliyah to see if her eyes match then back to Michael) This has actually gotten worse with Brock because his eyes stand out so much. Luckily Aliyah and Avery have matching eyes now.
~Where are they from? (at least these people have already made the adoption connection)
Matt is better at deflecting these comments than I am. The other night we had the missionaries over for dinner and one of them, referring to the kids, asked where they get their dark hair. We used to tell people that my dad and Matt's mom have black hair, which is true. Well this time Matt said, "it grows out of their heads", then turning to Aliyah he said while shaking his head and smiling "silly missionaries". She giggled and that was that.
I remember when I first met my dear friend. I'd heard that they adopted their daughter, which was shocking since she looks so much like her mom. I was excited to meet her. Michael was 2 and I didn't know anyone in the area who'd adopted. So that was how I started the conversation, "I hear you adopted your daughter". She didn't look at me (she was going through papers or something) and mumbled "uh huh". Well I could see that I'd started with the wrong line so I quickly explained that we adopted our son and then she looked up. We became fast good friends and have traveled this foster adoption road together.
I've met people that I've wanted to ask if they adopt but how awkward is that if they didn't. I've become very mindful of what I say to people because of how it may sound to them. We have a tile guy working on our bathroom who, after working here for a week and a half, asked if we adopted our kids. It doesn't take a Geneticist to see that we couldn't have made these kids ourselves. This gets my husband and I on edge a little. First, it's a small world and we don't know who knows who. So we're cautious with our answers. Later the tile guy came down and said, "I really hope you get to keep those kids, when do you find out?" I told him it's pretty for sure that we'll keep them but December is the next date. He said "well I really hope you can keep them, they're yours. Good things happen to good people". He's a very nice guy.
What it really comes down to is this. You (by you I mean a stranger) can ask me if they're all mine, the answer is YES. You can ask where they come from or where the dark hair & eyes come from, the answer is GOD. You can even ask me if they're adopted, heck you can ask me anything you want to. I'm pretty open about it because I love adoption and I think more people should know about it.
The only thing I ask of you is please don't ask me in front of my kids. We have nothing to hide, they know they're adopted, they know they have birth parents (and think everyone has 2 sets of parents) and they know (because too many people have brought it their attention) that they don't look like us. It's all good. If they have questions they talk to us and we explain it. We explain The Plan of Salvation and how they chose us to be their parents. They get it.
This makes me wonder though, what have I asked, talked about etc in front of others that I shouldn't have or that may have made them uncomfortable? Therefore, when I'm asked questions, I realize that people don't mean any harm, they're merely curious as I often am and just don't know what to do with their words.
