Heart Day 2012

 I am having so much fun with my Cameo!! LOVE it!! So I had to make some hearts for v-day. 3d is pretty cool right?

 And... I had to make some brownies with ganache! Mmmmmm these were delish!

 Aliyah's pretty much over me doing her hair but she let me have a little fun anyway. Love doing something fun in her hair. She even kept it in all day!

 Such a pretty girl and loves dressing for any occasion. She found the perfect red dress in her closet for v-day.

Matt & I were fortunate enough to go out on Valentines night. We went to dinner at Steamers in Pismo Beach. It was FABULOUS!! Had the most delicious fish over mashed potatoes with artichokes and spinach. Watched the sun set over the ocean while we ate dinner and just really enjoyed our time out.

You'd think we don't get out much...we go out about twice a month. But this evening, eating dinner right on the ocean, was wonderful. Plus it was the middle of the week and I just walked away from all duties. LOVED it!!

Michael turns 9!

Welcome to our Theater!

Now Showing...Kung Fu Panda 2

I had fun with the decorations even though it was a bunch of boys (& 2 girls). So I was thrilled when a little boy commented on all the "things on the walls". hahaha Totally worth it!This was my favorite part. Love the cupcakes! They were super sweet but turned out great.

 A wonderful friend had a movie party before us so she graciously let us borrow her red carpet. It was so great!

 The popcorn machine was awesome, thanks to another friend. Michael was thrilled about it to say the least

 And Michael's favorite drink

 Enjoying a little pizza dinner before the movie.

The kids had a lot of fun... and so did we! The house was totally quiet while the movie was playing (upstairs in the theater which I forgot to get pictures of). Matt and I were wondering what to do with ourselves. Besides the occasional kid who'd run down for more drink or popcorn, it was still for the length of the movie. Best party ever!! And Michael agreed so that's what counts.

A child's smile...and cry

SMILE 


Is it a simple thing?


Does it come easily?


I thought so. My children are always smiling...laughing... (well most of the time).


The other day a comment stopped me in my tracks. I was doing my least favorite thing...loading these precious babies into The Lady's car to go see their b-dad. The Lady put Avery in, Aliyah put Brock in. I was helping Avery stop crying, wrapping her blanket around her. Aliyah was waving to Brock.


The Lady looked in her rear view mirror and said,


"Ahh he's so cute when he SMILES. I've never seen him SMILE before, he's always so serious."


That was February 8th. The Lady had been taking them for visits to their b-dad for 2 MONTHS! She'd never seen him SMILE.


CRY


A form of communication...

The Lady brought the babies home. She said they had gone to a park. She said the room they visit in at the county building is really small.


She said for the last couple of weeks when they get inside the room, Avery looks around and starts crying...like really screaming...like she does when they put her in the car to take her to the visit...


So they decided to go to the park...because Avery doesn't like the size of the room...and they didn't want her to cry.


I didn't know 8 months olds could tell what size a room is.

Leap Year 2012

I've never given much thought to Leap Year, or cared much about it at all. But this year is different.


This year, on Leap Year Day (is that what you call it?) a very important decision will be made for our family. It's not a decision we get to make. It's not even a decision we have a say in. In a courthouse... in Santa Barbara... a judge, who we've never met & who knows nothing about us, will make a possibly life changing decision for us.


I never thought the future of my life would be in a judges hands. The decision about growing or not growing my family at a given time. But it has come to that and we are at the {hopefully sweet} mercy of said judge.


On that day in court, February 29th, the judge will decide to either terminate "dad's" Reunification or give him another 6 months. If terminated, we will move towards terminating Rights and then adoption. If given another 6 months...our family will be in limbo, waiting, wondering and continuing to fall in love with these babies. I vote for the first option.


Although there is the 3rd option which the judge is famous for doing. That would be making no decision and continuing for another month or 2. Oh the legal process! I hate it... when it's not in my favor!


*Update
Birth-Dad (b-dad) is now getting 2 hr visits a week instead of 1 hr. When The Lady brought them back last week after the first 2 hr visit I asked her how it went. She said, "it was okay, I mean, it wasn't bad". What's that supposed to mean? He can't handle them for 2 hours?!

*The Flip Side
B-dad is trying. He visits them every week, he brings them food, blankets, toys. He's trying to provide for them the best that he can in his situation. I felt bad when he sent a large can of formula. At first I thought it was for Avery, since it's formula. Then Matt noticed it says Toddler formula. I guess it was for Brock? Either way, I had to send it back with The Lady and tell her to tell bdad, "thank you. But Brock is allergic to milk and soy and can only have Rice Milk and Avery can only have Soy." Again, felt bad...but at least he can return if unopened hopefully? The point is, he's trying and he seems to really care and want them back. I feel bad for him.

*My Side
Every week about 15-20 minutes before the visit I tell Brock he's going to see Daddy ____. (keeping his name private.) He hasn't ever really understood. The first couple of times The Lady would show up to pick up the kids, Brock would take her hand and walk out the door with her. What's up with that?! Okay so it bothered me but given his situation, I couldn't expect it to be different. Then when she would show up and he would hug my leg, then go to her. Next time he'd fuss, then go to her.

Two weeks ago he cried and clung to me and I had to carry him to the car. (Now that's more like it!) Last week was a little different. I told him she was coming, as I always do. This time however, he looked at the door, pointed & grunted...because that's his language. I said yes, you're going to go see Daddy ____ then you'll come back here and have lunch. He started crying! Actually crying and wanted to be held. Each time I tried to put him down he started crying and clinging to me. At one point I put him down, he ran over to the table and started throwing things on the floor then bit Aliyah. Okay, something tells me he's not too crazy about his visits.

But this is all out of our control. We just have to go through the motions and hope for the best. Hopefully, on this Leap Year Day, we will have the answer we want. Only time will tell.

Phantom Cat

When I was single and working as a dental assistant in Utah, my supervisors roommate LOVED cats. My supervisor was allergic to them but they had about 5 anyway. Well they found this cat in the winter eating cracked corn that someone had thrown out for the ducks. They took her in but just couldn't keep her so I offered to take her. They'd started calling her Fluffy since... she was & I just let it stick. She was very young, probably about 1 when she was found.

At first she slept at the foot of my bed, a very spoiled cat. She ruled the house and had a lot of attitude. She didn't like strangers and would disappear when anyone came around.

I got married. Matt does not like cats, or at least not Fluffy. She no longer slept at the end of the bed. It's no wonder she didn't like him either. We moved to Texas so Matt could go to school there. She ruined our spare bedroom floor, turning it into her litter box. Matt was not so happy as he had to replace the carpet and put wood down.

We moved to California. We had Michael by then, he liked to pull her hair. She hid, a lot. She was getting older. She loved being outside and would explore the neighborhoods. She wasn't a mouser which was fine. I didn't need dead mice at my door. Although there was a period of time when we found dead rats at our first home here. Come to think of it, we had a couple of dead rats in TX too. Hmm... I guess she was a mouse. But not a show off one. You know that cats that bring it to the door and expect praise for it? My mom had a cat like that.

I started doing foster care. I had 2 3yr olds and a newborn. Fluffy was very fluffy and I no longer had the time to brush the mats from her fur. She would get very matted, I felt bad. I realized that maybe it was time to give her to someone who would be able to love and appreciate her more than I could at that time in my life. A lady and her son came to pick her up. Several weeks later I got a phone call from the Animal Shelter saying they had her. (I'd forgotten to keep her tags) I went down there, she was in a kennel, very smelly and matted even worse. I still don't know if that lady just dropped her off down there or if she was captured somewhere. The lady said someone must have picked her up but I don't know why someone would do that if she had a collar on. Anyway I couldn't leave her there so I took her home. I de-matted her and recommitted myself to being a better cat mom.

As Aliyah got older she fell in love with Fluffy. Fluffy spent the last couple years of her life being held, carried, dressed-up and rocked. Aliyah hauled her all over the yard, Fluffy was too old to jump the fence and run away anymore. The only time she got the courage to do that was when the gardner came once a week. So she was at Aliyah's mercy. At first she was annoyed by all the attention. Then every time Aliyah would go outside, Fluffy would run to her and rub on her leg.

A couple months after we moved to our new house, Fluffy disappeared. I knew that she'd gone off to die and explained that to the kids. I wonder where cats go anyway? I've searched for her but she always was good at finding hiding spots.

Since then I keep thinking I see her in the yard. I'll think I see a movement out of the corner of my eye, then there's nothing there. I had a dream one night that she just came walking back into the yard like nothing had happened. A couple days later I was at the church and I looked down the hall. There, sitting outside the door, was a cat. A very fluffy cat with the same coloring as Fluffy. It's head was turned away so I couldn't see it's face, I walked to the door and knelt down to see the cat. I could tell from down the hall that it wasn't her, this cat was too big. But it was weird, I'd just had that dream and it felt so real. I waited until the cat turned around and sure enough, it wasn't her.

A couple days later I saw something gray out in the yard. I did a double take, it was an old towel the dogs been chewing on.

I didn't realize the impact this cat had on me for all the years she was with us. Just always having her there was...habit? Comforting? I don't know. But it's been weird to think I keep seeing her. I know she's resting in peace, no longer in pain (she was wincing the last couple of weeks when I'd pick her up). I think the fact that she just took off doesn't feel like an end? It didn't bring closure to me I guess. Hopefully this will and I'll stop seeing the Phantom Cat.

Embrace it or Become it...

CRAZY

I caught myself the other day. Unfortunately I've been known to make the comment "you guys are making me crazy" or "I'm going crazy" to my kids. Sad I know, but there it is. Well I realized one day that if I keep saying that, they're really going to think I'm crazy! 

The times I get most frustrated or stressed are when I loose control of my environment. You know, like having 4 kids in the house and all that comes with that. Let's  face it, I don't have much control around here. 

But I can control my attitude towards the craziness that is my life. 

Over Christmas break I loved having the kids home so I wasn't driving all over town. We were way more relaxed and got to play together a lot. However the house was a lot louder and the babies naps were less frequent. Matt stayed home for a full week between Christmas and New Years and I always had an adult to talk to which was nice. We realized however that we've created this crazy house. Kids running everywhere being loud, playing, fighting and everything else that siblings do. We were talking about it and how things are just...crazy! (maybe I over use the word, that's very possible.)

And we realized that, if we don't embrace the craziness, we (or more possibly "I") might actually become crazy.

So that is my new motto. Embrace it or Become it. Because I get to make that choice, everyday. I can tell the kids I'm going crazy and get that wonderful idea stuck in their heads, or I can embrace that this house and everyone in it will be wild & crazy and it's ok. I can't control the fact that kids will be kids (and I'm not talking about kids running wild but just being kids) but I can control my attitude towards it. 

I love my kids and I want them to enjoy their childhood and be able to laugh at the things that I would automatically be strict about. 

So this is really about me, trying not to go crazy today. And I feel much better, the craziness has left the body!!

the. mom. look.

As a child and teenager I would watch young couples newly married.

They were always so cute and happy.

She was always beautiful with long hair.

They would start having kids.

The hair would get shorter.

And shorter.

Like this...

I said I wouldn't fall into the "mom" trap. But 4 kids and no time made me do it.

I was tired of the daily ponytail and the hold the kids had on me.

I resisted for months but alas, I could take it no more.

I am a mom

 I have the "do" to prove it

And I'm happy about it.