Leap Year 2012

I've never given much thought to Leap Year, or cared much about it at all. But this year is different.


This year, on Leap Year Day (is that what you call it?) a very important decision will be made for our family. It's not a decision we get to make. It's not even a decision we have a say in. In a courthouse... in Santa Barbara... a judge, who we've never met & who knows nothing about us, will make a possibly life changing decision for us.


I never thought the future of my life would be in a judges hands. The decision about growing or not growing my family at a given time. But it has come to that and we are at the {hopefully sweet} mercy of said judge.


On that day in court, February 29th, the judge will decide to either terminate "dad's" Reunification or give him another 6 months. If terminated, we will move towards terminating Rights and then adoption. If given another 6 months...our family will be in limbo, waiting, wondering and continuing to fall in love with these babies. I vote for the first option.


Although there is the 3rd option which the judge is famous for doing. That would be making no decision and continuing for another month or 2. Oh the legal process! I hate it... when it's not in my favor!


*Update
Birth-Dad (b-dad) is now getting 2 hr visits a week instead of 1 hr. When The Lady brought them back last week after the first 2 hr visit I asked her how it went. She said, "it was okay, I mean, it wasn't bad". What's that supposed to mean? He can't handle them for 2 hours?!

*The Flip Side
B-dad is trying. He visits them every week, he brings them food, blankets, toys. He's trying to provide for them the best that he can in his situation. I felt bad when he sent a large can of formula. At first I thought it was for Avery, since it's formula. Then Matt noticed it says Toddler formula. I guess it was for Brock? Either way, I had to send it back with The Lady and tell her to tell bdad, "thank you. But Brock is allergic to milk and soy and can only have Rice Milk and Avery can only have Soy." Again, felt bad...but at least he can return if unopened hopefully? The point is, he's trying and he seems to really care and want them back. I feel bad for him.

*My Side
Every week about 15-20 minutes before the visit I tell Brock he's going to see Daddy ____. (keeping his name private.) He hasn't ever really understood. The first couple of times The Lady would show up to pick up the kids, Brock would take her hand and walk out the door with her. What's up with that?! Okay so it bothered me but given his situation, I couldn't expect it to be different. Then when she would show up and he would hug my leg, then go to her. Next time he'd fuss, then go to her.

Two weeks ago he cried and clung to me and I had to carry him to the car. (Now that's more like it!) Last week was a little different. I told him she was coming, as I always do. This time however, he looked at the door, pointed & grunted...because that's his language. I said yes, you're going to go see Daddy ____ then you'll come back here and have lunch. He started crying! Actually crying and wanted to be held. Each time I tried to put him down he started crying and clinging to me. At one point I put him down, he ran over to the table and started throwing things on the floor then bit Aliyah. Okay, something tells me he's not too crazy about his visits.

But this is all out of our control. We just have to go through the motions and hope for the best. Hopefully, on this Leap Year Day, we will have the answer we want. Only time will tell.

Phantom Cat

When I was single and working as a dental assistant in Utah, my supervisors roommate LOVED cats. My supervisor was allergic to them but they had about 5 anyway. Well they found this cat in the winter eating cracked corn that someone had thrown out for the ducks. They took her in but just couldn't keep her so I offered to take her. They'd started calling her Fluffy since... she was & I just let it stick. She was very young, probably about 1 when she was found.

At first she slept at the foot of my bed, a very spoiled cat. She ruled the house and had a lot of attitude. She didn't like strangers and would disappear when anyone came around.

I got married. Matt does not like cats, or at least not Fluffy. She no longer slept at the end of the bed. It's no wonder she didn't like him either. We moved to Texas so Matt could go to school there. She ruined our spare bedroom floor, turning it into her litter box. Matt was not so happy as he had to replace the carpet and put wood down.

We moved to California. We had Michael by then, he liked to pull her hair. She hid, a lot. She was getting older. She loved being outside and would explore the neighborhoods. She wasn't a mouser which was fine. I didn't need dead mice at my door. Although there was a period of time when we found dead rats at our first home here. Come to think of it, we had a couple of dead rats in TX too. Hmm... I guess she was a mouse. But not a show off one. You know that cats that bring it to the door and expect praise for it? My mom had a cat like that.

I started doing foster care. I had 2 3yr olds and a newborn. Fluffy was very fluffy and I no longer had the time to brush the mats from her fur. She would get very matted, I felt bad. I realized that maybe it was time to give her to someone who would be able to love and appreciate her more than I could at that time in my life. A lady and her son came to pick her up. Several weeks later I got a phone call from the Animal Shelter saying they had her. (I'd forgotten to keep her tags) I went down there, she was in a kennel, very smelly and matted even worse. I still don't know if that lady just dropped her off down there or if she was captured somewhere. The lady said someone must have picked her up but I don't know why someone would do that if she had a collar on. Anyway I couldn't leave her there so I took her home. I de-matted her and recommitted myself to being a better cat mom.

As Aliyah got older she fell in love with Fluffy. Fluffy spent the last couple years of her life being held, carried, dressed-up and rocked. Aliyah hauled her all over the yard, Fluffy was too old to jump the fence and run away anymore. The only time she got the courage to do that was when the gardner came once a week. So she was at Aliyah's mercy. At first she was annoyed by all the attention. Then every time Aliyah would go outside, Fluffy would run to her and rub on her leg.

A couple months after we moved to our new house, Fluffy disappeared. I knew that she'd gone off to die and explained that to the kids. I wonder where cats go anyway? I've searched for her but she always was good at finding hiding spots.

Since then I keep thinking I see her in the yard. I'll think I see a movement out of the corner of my eye, then there's nothing there. I had a dream one night that she just came walking back into the yard like nothing had happened. A couple days later I was at the church and I looked down the hall. There, sitting outside the door, was a cat. A very fluffy cat with the same coloring as Fluffy. It's head was turned away so I couldn't see it's face, I walked to the door and knelt down to see the cat. I could tell from down the hall that it wasn't her, this cat was too big. But it was weird, I'd just had that dream and it felt so real. I waited until the cat turned around and sure enough, it wasn't her.

A couple days later I saw something gray out in the yard. I did a double take, it was an old towel the dogs been chewing on.

I didn't realize the impact this cat had on me for all the years she was with us. Just always having her there was...habit? Comforting? I don't know. But it's been weird to think I keep seeing her. I know she's resting in peace, no longer in pain (she was wincing the last couple of weeks when I'd pick her up). I think the fact that she just took off doesn't feel like an end? It didn't bring closure to me I guess. Hopefully this will and I'll stop seeing the Phantom Cat.

Embrace it or Become it...

CRAZY

I caught myself the other day. Unfortunately I've been known to make the comment "you guys are making me crazy" or "I'm going crazy" to my kids. Sad I know, but there it is. Well I realized one day that if I keep saying that, they're really going to think I'm crazy! 

The times I get most frustrated or stressed are when I loose control of my environment. You know, like having 4 kids in the house and all that comes with that. Let's  face it, I don't have much control around here. 

But I can control my attitude towards the craziness that is my life. 

Over Christmas break I loved having the kids home so I wasn't driving all over town. We were way more relaxed and got to play together a lot. However the house was a lot louder and the babies naps were less frequent. Matt stayed home for a full week between Christmas and New Years and I always had an adult to talk to which was nice. We realized however that we've created this crazy house. Kids running everywhere being loud, playing, fighting and everything else that siblings do. We were talking about it and how things are just...crazy! (maybe I over use the word, that's very possible.)

And we realized that, if we don't embrace the craziness, we (or more possibly "I") might actually become crazy.

So that is my new motto. Embrace it or Become it. Because I get to make that choice, everyday. I can tell the kids I'm going crazy and get that wonderful idea stuck in their heads, or I can embrace that this house and everyone in it will be wild & crazy and it's ok. I can't control the fact that kids will be kids (and I'm not talking about kids running wild but just being kids) but I can control my attitude towards it. 

I love my kids and I want them to enjoy their childhood and be able to laugh at the things that I would automatically be strict about. 

So this is really about me, trying not to go crazy today. And I feel much better, the craziness has left the body!!

the. mom. look.

As a child and teenager I would watch young couples newly married.

They were always so cute and happy.

She was always beautiful with long hair.

They would start having kids.

The hair would get shorter.

And shorter.

Like this...

I said I wouldn't fall into the "mom" trap. But 4 kids and no time made me do it.

I was tired of the daily ponytail and the hold the kids had on me.

I resisted for months but alas, I could take it no more.

I am a mom

 I have the "do" to prove it

And I'm happy about it.

Poor Baby

Poor Avery. Brock understands, at least a little bit. All Avery knows is some lady shows up once a week, puts her in a strange car seat in a strange car and gives her to some man to hold for an hour. As I handed her to the lady (who is actually very nice and just doing her job), Avery looked at her, looked at me then started screaming. Like I'd just done some horrible deed by handing her over. 


She got it. She knew this was not some lady who was holding her for a minute. This was THE lady who takes her away every week. She screamed and screamed. Poor baby already has a bad cold so the screaming didn't help her breathing. After I put Brock in the car I ran back in the house to get Avery her blanket & rattle, something she's familiar with that she can hold onto. The lady gets it, she knows why she's crying. She can't do anything about it. I wish I could explain to my 6 month old why she has to leave every week. Instead I wrapped the blanket around her, rattled the rattle until she noticed and reached out for it, and I put my lips next to her ear to "shhhh". She loves that. Once calm, I closed the car door and let the lady drive away with my 2 babies not knowing what is going on in their world. Someday this will end.

Michael & Aliyah Performing

December 15th was a crazy night! Aliyah had a piano recital, her first ever, and Michael had a School Christmas program he was in. We were also invited to the Bacara in Santa Barbara which is a super nice ritzy hotel where all the movies stars stay when they go there. They were having an Angels appreciation dinner for all the foster parents. Well as much as we wanted to go to that, we supported our kids and went to their shows. I took Aliyah and Avery and went to the piano recital. We left early from that and drove out to Michael's school to meet Matt & Brock watching the show.

Pretty talented kids huh? Well I'm a little partial. I loved watching Aliyah perform. She wasn't nervous, she just got up there and did her thing.

Michael was awesome as well. He kept me laughing through the whole thing. I had a perfect view and was a little bummed to see Matt's view obstructed by a head but you get the idea. Michael was the biggest mover and dancer in the whole class!  I told Matt there won't be many more times like that. Soon he'll be old enough to not want to participate. I made Michael wear that sweater thinking all the kids would dress up for a Christmas program. Afterwards he came up and said, "see! I told you everyone wasn't going to dress up!" Oops, my bad.

Merry Christmas 2011

Christmas Eve tradition, each kid gets new pajamas to sleep in that night. My parents did this for us every year so we're carrying it on. This year Michael asked, "why pajamas? Can I open something else instead and open pajamas tomorrow?" Nice try kid.

This is a letter & gift Aliyah left for Fizzle, our Christmas elf. 

I had many intentions of doing more with the tree this year...but with 4 kids I'm feel fortunate we had a decorated tree at all. This was the first live tree we've gotten in many years, in not ever. And yes we know the star is leaning but it's a total pain to get the huge ladder out and get up there. By the time we took the tree down, it was leaning WAY over.

Aliyah and her new pink bike! And she's wearing her new pink lipstick if you didn't notice.

Brock & drums? He's actually surprised us at how good he was.

Aliyah's American Girl doll "Kristine" from Grandma Dever. Matching jammies? Love it! She enjoys taking her everywhere with her, even the movies!

And a scooter. Well her bike has been broken for a while and she's been riding Michael's scooter. She loves both.

The highlight of Michaels existence, 3DS.

New "Monkey" quilt from Grandma Egbert. He loves the little pocket to hide the monkey in. And yes, Avery wants that Elmo really bad!

New bag from Grandma Egbert. Isn't it cute?

Love this picture, she's such a happy girl!

Hooded robe from Grandma Dever, isn't it/she cute?

Michaels Gingerbread "Luigi's Garage" from Cars. Luigi must be out to lunch, he wasn't around for the photo shoot.

Aliyahs Gingerbread, The Grinch. There's Mr Grinch himself on top the hill ready to jump on his slide and ride to the village. Today Aliyah ate Mr Grinch. She held him by his arm and said, "Grinch on a stick!" hahahaha

We had a wonderful Christmas. We're very blessed to have such wonderful family in our lives. We loved having Matt stay home for a full week after Christmas. It was so fun hanging out with him. He made sure all the remote control stuff & video games worked well. ;) He actually did all the laundry all week, fed many babies (or maybe fed babies many times? Sometimes feels like many babies) and helped me find my sanity. Hadn't seen it for a while. So now we're on to a New Year. With so many changes last year, I'm hoping this year is a little calmer and lets me settle into this new routine a bit.